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But one day it happened, I was alone at my house but I failed again. I tried many times to get closer to her and also tried to trap her but I wasn’t able to attract her towards me, but on another occasion I was alone in my house for 2 days because of a marriage at my mom’s uncles place and I decided to stay at home to(anyway you know why so leave it). The same day I was watching Tv after lunch and it was around 2 o’clock. She came and started to clean the house.After 10 minutes she shouted loudly and immediately I stood up and went inside, she was sitting near kitchen and she was crying with pain in her leg, I asked her what happened and she replied that she fell down on wet floor and it was paining much, I went near her and touched her leg and tried to make her stand, but she was unable to stand so I lifted her and made her sit on sofa. She was very much in pain and I was very confused, soon I brought a fast relief balm and applied it on her legs with soft hands, she was feeling good. To get beyond the simple expedient of being 'the boyfriend' and allowing them to see the real me, which is terrifying to contemplate.Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep inside of me. I wanted to be a dominant. I wanted control. But that.
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